Blog #6

It was so real it still freaks me out. I dreamt two nigths ago I was not in my bed dream but found myself indoor rock climbing with my friend K.there we were, just the two of us, climbing and gossiping when about 40 feet away, two young teenage boys (13/14 at best) one dark hair, the other fair hair found that in their fooling around, they got tangle up. In an attempt to untangle themselves, they only ended up worse witht he ropes of one strangling the other. K and I watch as the blond boy started choking, gasping for air, and the mothers cried below and the employees attempted to scale the wall to help, but rock climbing takes time, even to the most experience and I stood and watch as the dark haire sceram and scream and I could not stand it anymore. I started scremaing too out of the pain,t he frustration, the tragedy of it all and K's eyes just got wider as she stared, trying to calm me with her wiccan words. And that is when I started screaming for real, when pain ripped my back apart when I heard that what I felt was real, my flesh was ripping, K shut up and just stared and trembles overtook my body. I felt it, something pushing itself out of my back with such a force that I started losing it, blacking out. K saw this and slap me, yelling no, not now. As the last tremors shook me and that force pushing at my back started to slow,beginnign to feel uncomfortable, so tights that it seem with each push that the force took the world became smaller. It was cutting off my oxygen and we the last breath I yell at K, demanding to know what was happening and saw the silver blade of a pocket knife. That force stopped but the pain made tears come to my eyes and I felt weak, my energy was nothing, I wasn't even holding on anymore ot the wall, I was hanging suspended by the ropes as chaos reigned everywhere.K...was all I manage to say, to protest as I saw the blade come towards me, convinced that she was going toi hurt me, that she gone insane. BUt I only heard the ripping of material, of the ropes and I knew that withing a moent I would fall but she stop and I could breathe again. K was crying by this time and my strength started to return to me and yet even though the ropes were cut I was not falling but uncomfortable and so I move and felt the other part of me. 'wha..." I look over my shoulders and saw them, bloodied, wet, and unbelievely beautiful. Wings... I was timd at first and then stretch them out and fell out of the harness and for a few seconds when I realized I could fly and so I did.Everything hit me hard then when I came out of my world and saw the disorder and in those seconds my world change. It was not even a minute but seemed to take forever and so the screams of terrors came back and I flew and untangle the stupidos with the last of the strength and half flew, half feel to the ground, hitting hard, falling on my wings. I lay on the ground slowly losing consciousness and heard running footsteps coming to me, I saw K's familiar figure and she held me, guarding me over the others, and that was my last thoguht as eveything turn black. When I came to I saw she still held me, it must have hours later but she was holding that damn knife hers to my neck threating to kill me if anyone dar e come near. ISaw reporters, my family, cops, ambluances, the whole world it seem and K just smile at me and release the blade when I came to, telling me she would not let them take me away. I aks who and she told me eveyrone, that if my stor was not publicized then the goverment would take me for research and so she waited, pretending to kill me if anyone would so far as touch me, when she was gurading me and as I rose I touch her and found her on the floor, shaking. Paramedics came to her side and mine to help. I found out that if I tocuh her or anyone outside my family, that somehow it would be equivalent to a stun gun. I was further isolated. Everything was crzy, I had people proclaiming me as a miracle,as the next messiah, and everything but what I was a girl who just wanted to be normal. My dream ended when I was in the bathrub, washing the blood away and I outstrecth my wings completely and felt the water fall from each wing, knowing I just accepted my fate.

Old Blog#5

=There's a pretty little thing in front of you and she's real pretty and she's real into you, and then she's sleeping right beside you= these lyrics of the song by Rilo Kiley describes my life when I started to explore the intimacy of sex. (and for those who noticed: it is my profile song!! One of my favorites listen to it , love it.)

=and when talking leads to touching and when touching leads to sex and then there is no mystery left=

I have a quality most girls don't-I can be a real slut. I'll sleep with anyone I'm attracted to and can do it feeling nothing but lust with the questions of 'where's the love?' far away in my mind. I won't care as long I don't end up pregnant and I take real care. sometimes. But I am weird. I go through stages extra-fast. I had my mid-life crisis at 13. I went through my materialistic wants phase and outgrew in my teens. And now I fear that the sexual phase of fucking anyone just for the pleasure of it is gone. I went through that in 3 months when it normaly takes people from their teens till their mid-thirties to figure out that sex is sex and can be done for thrill of it but it will never be as good as with the one you really care for. Now I predict I will start either going dating crazy as soon as my letter to Christy goes in the mail or I will become a nun again and this time focus on my grades instead of my book. We'll see what stage I'll go through next, and whatever it is I want to thank my friends. Much love everyone-




Restored Blog #4

Love is like a punishment
Homegirl here to represent
So innocently you seem to come my way
While Tinkerbell and Cupid play
They sit there and laugh
I sit here and I can't believe my eyes
You found me at last
But we're too human to see the way we'll agonize
Steady now, stop rocking it
It's a delicate environment
Retire but sleeping is our shanty love
Be careful now don't wake it up.
It's never gonna last
It's never gonna make it back alive
So now can we relax
I really hope that we will actually survive.

"Rock Steady" by No Doubt. Listen to it, understand it. Love it because you have no other choice but to. Just because it isn't a hit, doens't mean it isn't worthless.


My twitter is composed nearly entirely of my favorite quotes from movies and books, and just sayings. My old blog didn't need to miss that aspect of my personality because I quoted there too.


MARION: I love you, Harry. You make me feel like a person. Like I'm me... and I'm beautiful.
HARRY GOLDFARB: You are beautiful. You're the most beautiful girl in the world. You are my dream.


From one of my favorite movies- Requiem for a Dream.


Blog #2
I said I would stop. I told myself I would. I do anything just to stop. I don't want to do this again. I will become addicted once more. I don't want to expose myself to the world and tell them that I am real. That I feel. That I am different from all the others on myspace who are whores for friends, sending requests for people they don't even know. But the truth of the reality is that I am not. I am a friend's whore, but the difference is that I will give you only a couple hours to approve and if you don't I will cancel it. Kind of like a self-denial. Odd. Anyway, I'm stopping now.

Much-obsessive-compulsive disorder-

--- Still signing off as A. Gates. What a loser was I and still am in denial of myself. I guess this is when I decided that I would be picky about my friends. Fitting blog for right now I am not in good graces with one of them and I HATE THAT.

Mea Culpa. Stupid me.

So this is how it's going to go #1

I'm going to copy + paste what I wrote and underneath put my present commentary on it.

Transferred Blog #1

No Date. Just the oldest one on there.

Dear _____;
Once I had a myspace blog and I wrote in it faithfully, day by day I added a little something and somehow I found myself becoming popular getting quite a lot of views and comments in my old account. And then I became obsessed. I had to write everyday and much to the delight of my subscribers I made more entries, more and more and it took over my life. I live for my fans because for once I was wanted, needed, loved. If only by complete strangers. And so one day I came to the realization that this was no life for me. I didn't want to be just another unknown writer so gradually I started removing my entries until I had none left and then I disappeared and left my fans in dissapointment. it broke my heart, but I still have those entries stored away and have put them to better use. I AM SO SORRY!!!But I had to...If only you would understand. But you can't and you won't. It's called Sacrificial rights.
~ I send you my love ~



Even back then, however many years ago that was, I was still under my fake name, never using my real name. Never wanting to. But I do remember having fans. It was nice but distracting me from my books. Hmm. I know if I keep blogging, I will gather up a bit of a fanbase again but I don't want to at this moment.


I am going to delete my myspace page and have already started the process of transferring my photos from there to facebook because it seems that facebook is here to stay but I still have to saved my blogs.

I think I will post my old blogs from there onto here.

And as for my current blog of what I write in, I will be using my livejournal account because I never do and I think it's time for the people who know me on there (the sim community) to get to know me there.

Not much of a poster.

I know I haven't been using this blog at all. Only keep logging in to check the stories of my favorite simmers & stalk their chapters obsessively because no one I know loves the sims like I do. & that's okay. So I just use this blog for nothing? Idk. I use blogger for blogging because things are quiet over there, private even though privacy +internet = NOT, I I like over there because only my best friend and his boyfriend follow me because they found my email but that's no biggie. I rather no one else read it though. No other social networking is connected to it. & I called it my therapy/rant blog so that none of my other social networks friends comment on it. I don't want their opinions, I just want to write & write about reading so without further ado I present the reason why I live- BOOKS :D and to keep track of just what I read and when because I like lists like that.

It's about damn time I post this. Since spring reading time will be coming up soon.

Winter break 09' December 09- January '10:

And I started with

1. The Hottest State by Ethan Hawke.
I adored it for it's fuck up-ness of it all. Short, simple, and yet unnerving in it's portrayal of reality when it just goes wrong and there is nothing more ordinary than that. And yes it's that Ethan Hawke who wrote it.

2. Destination: Morgue!: L.A. Tales by James Ellroy.
I was amused and then he lost me. It started out as CSI and then it just blended in, there are some very good stories in this collections, and others not as good.

3.World War Z An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks.
Just plain AWESOME :D

4. No Time to Wave Goodbye: Jacquelyn Mitchard
Sweet sequel, but The Deep End of the Ocean still has my heart.

5. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess.
What a mindfuck, and how lovely it is.

6. Impulse, Ellen Hopkins


7. Identical by Ellen Hopkins.
Both separate novels but I love Hopkins' writing so much that I was binging on her work.

8. The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz (Comic book form) edited by Eric Shanower
Just beautifully done.

9. City of Thieves: A Novel by David Benioff.
A seriously underrated writer. I thought 25th Hour was bad ass and Benioff outdid himself in City of Thieves. One of my faves. Just breathtaking.

10. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame
Might be the only children classic I didn't get into. Something about the narration not connecting with me. I liked it, just not connected with it.

11. Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin.
School's Book club requirement. I was skeptical because of it's grim covered and thought I would not enjoy. Oh how wrong. I enjoyed, greatly.

12. Prophecy of the Sisters by Michelle Zink
I adored this YA mystery, just adored to the point of picking it for my own personal book club, and so far so good, everyone has loved it, and how exciting, we're going to have a skype chat with the author at our next book club meeting :D

13. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson.
A classic, a weird book, creepy.

14. The Burn Journals by Brent Runyon.
Another underrated YA, this one a memoir often mistaken for a novel because no one can hate themselves fully to set themselves on fire, could they?

15. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I was finally pressured into reading it. Enough said.

16. Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. Very well written, especially for a person who was "unstable". Ends abruptly.

17. Peter Pan by James Matthew Barrie.
Don't ask me why I didn't read this before. It's a classic for a reason. <3

18. Tricks by Ellen Hopkins
Another Hopkins' book, and my last one before school officially kicked in with a new semester. And I really finished with a bang that this book offers. Hopkins just brings out the worse in humanity in YA Novels pair with the best of her writing, making us aware that how we were taught as who are bad guys, those stranger dangers, are just ordinary people and how easy it is to fall into a path you thought only 'troublemakers' fell into.

--- And unfortunately that's all I had time to read for in my winter break. Many visits from both family and going about with friends, distracted me from reading and writing too much. I'm hoping that Spring Break will help but as for now, school days are lovely in these gray cast skies.

I'm already looking at Spring break, drooling over what I will be able to read.

ATM- I am reading Stranger in a Strange Land- Robert A.Heinlein. It's my bedtime companion & so sad I can only read a bit at a time because of school. :(

Fall Books 09

Books that I am reading for the fall. Mostly required reading for classes, but that still doesn't mean that I didn't like it. Still looking for my little black booklist.

The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano

Senselessness by Horacios Castellanos Moya

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

Diary of a Madman by Lu Xun

2666 by Roberto Bolano

To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

I will be posting the various poems that have been assigned to class as well, on separate postings.